Part II_. A Daughter’s Honest Take on Caring for Aging Parents

A Daughter’s Honest Take on Caring for Aging Parents

What to Do When You Don’t Know What to Do?

This was dad third hospitalization, in case you missed it. Third within two and half months. Each hospitalization has been for at least two weeks and more. This hospitalization was very unpredictable. Dad was doing so well that after he was released from the hospital, we didn’t expect him to be hospitalized again. Not so soon after, anyways. All it took was a simple cough, and it all went downhill from there. My sister Anna transported dad to the ER because he was coughing so hard that he vomited. The doctor told my sister they would keep him overnight to ensure there were no underlying issues besides the previous diagnoses, as mentioned earlier (Read part 1). A day turned into three, and he was quickly admitted to the ICU. Honestly, it was a reoccurring nightmare my family couldn’t escape from.

The doctors said that my dad’s lungs were swimming in fluids. Did I mention that my dad was 86 years old? His lungs were filled with fluid. If I didn’t know better, I would have assumed that God had some personal issues with my family. How could God expect us to carry all these fardeaux? It was one thing after another. We didn’t even have time to come up for air. 

Anyways, enough with my rant. The doctors wanted dad’s body to release the fluid by itself, but unfortunately, his kidneys were not working fast enough to remove enough fluid to clear out his lungs.

I know you’ve heard the saying, “one misfortune comes up on the neck of another. “My family and I faced the red sea without Moses’s rod. We were facing Goliath without David’s sling. Each hospitalization has complications, and we didn’t have prophet Moses or Aaron to advocate for us before God. We were so overwhelmed that we would have welcome Samson or David to fight this battle for us in a heartbeat. I wish we had a joseph that could have interpreted the nightmare we were facing.

Four days after this hospitalization, MY DAD’S HEART STOPPED FOR A TOTAL OF EIGHT WHOLE MINUTES. People usually say that God gives his mightiest warrior the biggest fight, but I’m not sure about that. Sometimes it felt like God was testing me to see if I would lose faith in the face of adversity…Anyways, on Monday, June 27th, at 6:18 AM, one of my older brothers, who spent the night with dad, called to tell us that dad had coded. The doctors spent about eight minutes doing CPR on him. 86 YEARS OLD. Coded For Eight Minutes.

We had no hope that he was going to pull through.

I didn’t think he was going to pull through.

Maybe it was a lack of faith.

Perhaps I forgot for a minute that I was God’s favorite, and therefore everyone and everything that matters to me would be protected under the His Wings. 

Maybe for a second, I forgot who I serve. Well…we all need a reminder every once in a while.

I know that dad was as stubborn as they come, but can an 86-year-old heart survive this? Well…some of my siblings and I arrived at the hospital, and his room was full of medical providers. No one was available to talk to us because they were too busy saving his life.

All we could do was ask God to be present in the room.

I wanted God to entrust Himself with whatever was happening in the room.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U8A1YwM_jWc

Listen, I have no shame in claiming that I’m God’s favorite, but it is not because my faith is even the size of a mustard seed. I know that God favored me because he has never failed me. My only hope was for God’s goodness to shine through our darkest hour. I know that I serve a God that wouldn’t sleep until he fulfills every promise He has made to my family and me. 

Honestly, I didn’t have the strength to kneel or close my eyes to pray because I didn’t know what to ask God anymore. All I wanted was for His Will to be done. I wanted Him in the room. I wanted Him to be part of our situation. I expected every word of blessing God has spoken over my dad’s life to come to pass. I mean, I know that no one can stop the glorious destiny God had ordained for dad, but at that moment, it was hard to think about the sunshine after the rain. I didn’t want to have false hope, but I didn’t want to lose faith, either. 

As a believer, I needed to trust that goodness and mercy would follow my every step. I mean, God is not a liar, so I know that my two friends, Mercy, and Goodness had to be nearby. They wouldn’t abandon me in my time of need. However, David did say, “Surely,” so I let go with an unwavering assurance that God would come through for us no matter how dark the valley was, regardless of how sure the doctors were that dad wouldn’t survive. 

While the doctors were in the room with dad, we realized he was on a ventilator. At this point, we realized that it was worse than we thought. We knew it was terrible, but we were expecting him to be given oxygen, not for a machine to breathe for him. When the doctor finally came to talk to us and explained the hard reality that we were facing, our hearts sank. There were so many different medical devices in the room we didn’t know what was doing what. 

God Proved the Doctors Wrong

Doctors after doctors was coming in and out of the room. We were so overwhelmed that we didn’t know where to start with the questions. What happened? What caused his heart to stop? Are there any long-term damages to his major organs? How would that affect him long term since he is elderly? Did his heart stop because of his previous heart issues? What’s the likelihood that it would happen again?….question after question…answer after answer…nothing to ease our worried minds. 

The beauty of being part of such a beautiful family unit is that we have each other’s back always. We know what we were facing. We know the prognosis was not excellent, but we were willing to keep fighting for him.

After the doctors checked his brain for damage, we were told that he didn’t have any brain damage, but guess what? All his major organs were affected due to a lack of oxygen. His kidneys, lungs, liver, diaphragm, and, as I mentioned, he was already diagnosed with a leaky valve. So, at this point, what the hell else can go wrong?

Well…honestly, it was a victory for us knowing that his brain was not affected. But, in my beautiful mind, I thought that even if dad ended up in a wheelchair, he would have had all his cognitive abilities. It was a small victory. But a victory is a victory, and I thanked God for it.

We were all standing by his hospital bed, desperate and discouraged. Watching dad wither away and breathe through a machine was a picture we could have never painted. He had a tube going down his throat and nose. He had devices attached to him to control his blood pressure, heart rate, respiratory rate, temperature, and so many different fluids and medications to help with various issues. I know that dad wouldn’t have wanted his children to suffer, but if we could, we would have switched places with him in a heartbeat. My dad had sacrificed so much for us, and now that it was our turn to take care of him, we didn’t know how to make him feel better. So, we made sure that he received stellar medical care. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j1nOZh3Wg7M

…but I started thinking about how Mercy and Goodness would present themselves. I don’t know if their plane was delayed or if their flights were canceled altogether. Maybe they had a detour because someone else needed them even more. Then, I had to remind myself that God’s love can never be extinguished. I know that God would remain faithful, even when I was faithless…

…The beauty of investing in your children is ensuring they invest in you when it’s time. Well, it was our time to fully invest in dad. It was imperative that he felt loved and cared for. Dad never spent an hour in the hospital alone. We made sure of it. We scheduled ourselves to make sure that the doctors and nurses did not have the chance to mishandle his care. My brothers, my protectors, made sure that they covered the night shifts, and the sisters covered the morning shifts. Some of my siblings, who were out of state and out of the country, flew in to ensure that we all were present and active participants in his care. If the schedule needed to be adjusted, we adjusted it. We worked together to make sure that the doctors, nurses, specialists, and Chaplains knew that dad was a king and he mattered to his children. When it comes to our family, WE WILL DOG WALK ANYONE THAT WANTS TO COME FOR ONE OF US. WE DO NOT PLAY WHEN IT COMES TO FAMILY.

We had some great nurses and doctors tough. God made sure of it. Some of the nurses treated dad like their own. Elsa was one of dad nurse techs, and she was an angel sent by God. I can’t name them all, but we had competent doctors. But, of course, there’s always going to be that one, I knowwwww. Don’t worry; your girl gave her an earful. I just didn’t like her ass. 

Come to think of it…there were two that I didn’t like. Two nurses…can you tell I was rolling my eyes while writing this. I was. 

I had to educate them on the importance of fixing their attitudes when caring for this king; I called dad. 

After dad was on the ventilator for a couple of days, the doctors started asking us what we wanted them to do. Wait, what do you mean? Would your father want quality of life vs. quantity of life? What type of question was that? How did they expect us to make such a hard decision in such a short time? As long as he was breathing, he was alive to us. 

Listen, some of us are blessed to have had this type of conversation with our parents, but it was not the case for us. We were not prepared to make such a hard decision for dad. Mistakes are more likely to happen when decisions are rushed or not thoroughly evaluated. Caring for my elderly dad was an emotional endeavor; separating our emotions from facts to make good decisions requires extra effort and concentration. Although complex, we knew that to make the best decision for dad, we had to set aside emotions and the chaos of our situation to focus on the facts and realities and learn from the experiences of all the professionals caring for dad. 

As a family, we decided to meet with the doctors to be completely aware of what we were facing. The doctors were pleasant and professional and took the time to schedule a meeting with us. But unfortunately, after hearing from the cardiologist, the hospitalist, and the intensive care doctor, any hope we had at this point was gone. They answered all of our questions, and they didn’t rush us. But not one of them had hope that dad could have survived without the support of the ventilator. 

As a family, they urged us to decide on what we wanted to do. Either make him comfortable, or he would have to stay on the ventilator? 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q5m09rqOoxE

Quality of life vs. longevity? 

“It will take a miracle for your dad to survive outside the ventilator. But, unfortunately, the last time I checked, miracles don’t happen very often anymore,” said the cardiologist.

I can’t blame the man. NOT ALL OF US LIVE ON MIRACLE STREET ANYMORE. 

Through the tears, I had to keep reminding myself of the many different attributes of my GOD. He is the “Way-Maker, the Miracle Worker, the Promise Keeper, the Light in the Darkness”

As a Christian, sometimes you can only stand on God’s shoulders and declare victory over your situation, no matter the outcome. 

Caregivers have to do things they never imagined.

We felt our backs were pinned against a wall, and we didn’t have a way out. On July 4th, we decided to remove dad from the ventilator to avoid irreversible damage. We had no hope that he would ever be able to breathe on his own. At this point, he was already receiving dialysis because his kidneys were not doing great. The doctors were confident that once he was removed from the ventilator, it would be a matter of time before he took his last breath. We scheduled for the tube to be removed on Tuesday, July 6th. 

On Monday, before removing the tube, we ensured that we had everything in order just in case God called dad home. At dad age, certain things needed to be planned anyways, so we decided to pre-arrange his homegoing. It was the hardest thing my siblings and I had to do.

Tuesday morning, my siblings and I went to the hospital because we didn’t want my dad to be alone while they were removing him from the ventilator. We were ready to accept God’s will. 

We knew that His unfailing love would comfort us no matter what. 

Allow me a minute to testify the Grandeur of My GOD. If you believe that miracles are a thing of the past, let me tell you that God is still in the business of manifesting mind-blowing miracles.

The hospitalist that we wanted to be present to remove the ventilator shared with us the week prior that she would be at a different hospital and a different doctor would be in charge. We were upset because we wanted someone that knew dad somewhat and not a stranger to finish the journey with us. On the morning of July 6th, another doctor came into the room and explained his plan for the day. He wanted to complete a series of tests before removing the ventilator and requested to place the tube back in if dad didn’t do well. A completely different plan compared to the previous doctor. We were flabbergasted, to be honest. 

Dad failed the first test. No surprise there. That morning, to be honest, dad was actively trying to remove the tube himself. Couldn’t blame him. Couldn’t even imagine how he felt.

Anyways, the doctor requested for the test to be redone. The respiratory team did the test again, and dad passed. We were shocked. Second test. He passed. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0nyG29JJoGk

Okay, God…I see you.

The doctor agreed to remove the ventilator. Then, without warning, the respiratory therapist pulled the tube so fast we didn’t even have time to blink. 

I swear, ya’ll. My heart was on my stomach at this point. We were standing on needles, holding our breaths for the worst to come. 

Dad was in bed chilling. We looked at each other without saying a word, but you could tell he was relieved. 

He was breathing on his own. No machine.

15 minutes later…45 minutes later…one hour later… 3 hours later …he was still breathing on his own. Dad just lying in bed chilling. They decided to give him oxygen so he wouldn’t be deprived, but he was doing well. 

The God who parted the red sea is still a God of Miracles. Believe it or not. But I heartedly believe that the God who healed Naaman of Leprosy, the God who allowed Sarah to give birth to a child at 90 years old and let’s not forget that it was the same God who brought Lazarus back to life after spending a whole four days in the grave was in the room. 

Honey Chile. Get in formation because God will show you who He is. 

At that moment, I had to remind myself again that I was serving a GOD that specializes in things that are certified impossible, making them possible. He is the unchanging Changer in a changing world. He is the mystery of the divine supernatural order proving wrong the conclusions of medical experts. 

Dad was breathing on his own. That’s all I know, and that’s all we cared about.

Wednesday, dad did very well. He was playing with us. Giving us high-fives, playing on my brother Jean’s head. It was a great day. I asked him if I was his favorite child, and he said yes. 

In case you’re wondering. I was not his favorite…if anyone could ever claim to be his favorite, that would be my sister Anna and my mom because dad was obsessed with them. Dad was a very chill type of dad. He would tell all of us that we were his favorite if asked.  

Wednesday was one of the best days we had with dad in a while. He was alert. He was playing with us. We had hope. Mom had hope. The doctors were surprised to see him. The chaplain called him “the miracle one.” 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n4XWfwLHeLM

How Do You Say Goodbye to Someone You Love?

Let’s be honest, we knew we were on borrowed time with dad, but the thought of God having the last word instead of the doctors, brought a smile to my face. Yes, I’m being petty. 

Anyhow, we each had our own interpretation of what happened when dad coded. Mine is simple. 

Only God could fathom the stress we were going through as a family. We didn’t have the strength or courage to make certain decisions on dad’s behalf. We were not ready to be without him. When dad coded, he was ready to end his journey here on earth, but his children were not prepared to continue the journey without him. 

During those eight minutes that dad coded, I felt God greet him at the pearly gate of heaven. I could envision that he was ready to party with the angels like in the 80s. Imagine him with his new body looking like a different version of Moses, greeted at the door by Jovenel (cousin), Jeff (grandson), Ton Diesel (older brother), and the various family members who exited earth before him. But, I could only imagine the conversation between dad and Samson because they love the ladies. I hope Samson told him that his ass needed to wait for mom, but knowing Samson, well… let’s move on. 

Dad was excited to see God and was ready to exit ghetto earth, but God had another plan. Dad was ready to be celebrated and welcomed home by the angels, but instead, God put His arm around dad’s shoulder and took him on a magical carpet ride. After God showed him around, I imagine God snapped His finger to turn on his 3D outdoor heaven projector so dad could have a first-row seat at how heartbreakingly sad and desperate his children were not knowing whether he was coming back to us. I imagine Noah, the drunkard served dad a Scotch whiskey on the rocks (what? Don’t judge me, I promise you he wasn’t drinking water or eating watermelon) while watching us desperately trying to do everything we could to save his life.  

God whispered in his ear, “you have to go back.”

“Back where?” asked dad

“They still need you. They’re not ready for you to go yet,” said God

“Are you saying I didn’t prepare them enough for this moment?’ asked dad

“Not at all. You’ve sacrificed your life for your children, and they know that, but they are not ready to lose you yet. They need more time…” explained God

“How long are we talking about?” ask dad

“Long enough to give them the closure they need,” said God

I imagine dad hearing all the heartfelt and secret prayers of how much his children loved him. 

The constant implications for God to restore his health while we were going through anticipatory grief. 

I could imagine him seeing the closeted tears that we were camouflaging from each other while trying to stay strong for each other.

I could Imagine him seeing the tears running down mom’s face at the thought of her losing the love of her life. 

I could imagine dad seeing my brothers trying their best to protect his daughters every step of the way.

I could imagine my dad and God looking at us, feeling pity for us. Telling my dad, “Look at them? They can’t decide on whether you live or soar. It’s too much for them. We need to remove that decision from their hands, and once you have concluded your mission on earth, you can transition to Eternity and Beyond with me. Don’t worry. Your seat is RESERVED”.

Daddy Relaxing

I could imagine dad taking a deep breath and journeying to us again to prepare us for what was to come.

Dad did just that. He returned to us and finished his mission from God and his responsibility towards his family. 

After he was removed from the ventilator, he stayed with us for another three weeks. Finally, his children were able to be at his bedside. Giving up faith was not an option, although that was the only choice that made sense to many of us. As we were holding on to faith, dad’s organs started to fail one by one. 

It was getting harder and harder to go see him at the hospital because it was heartbreaking to see him suffering, and there was not a dan’m thing that we could do to take the pain away, but my siblings and I were there on the clock by his side. 

I mean, how do you say goodbye to someone you love? 

The day came unpredictably, although projected. 

We fear the worst.

Asking ourselves if he would leave us all behind.

Although we knew he needed his rest, selfishly, we were not ready to let him go. 

On the sunrise of July 16th, dad decided it was time for him to soar. When one of my brothers called to share that the doctor was requesting permission for a blood transfusion.

One of my older sisters and I headed to the hospital that morning. As we entered the room, we knew then that the angels must have already surrounded dad’s room because dad was already transitioning to his Maker. Dad was just lying there peacefully, although his heart was still strong. We knew in our hearts of hearts that he was ready. Dad waited for my brother Nik to enter the room before he exited, surrounded by nothing but love. Gospel music played as we held his hands and covered him with love. Hearing the machines in the room going off is a sound that I think I personally can forget anytime soon.

My stomach knotted, although I knew he was transitioning hours before the end. It was like every cell in my body got deactivated. Finally, God sounded the alarm to tell us that our time was up with His son. 

Emotions were running high. Our tears were like a river flowing down our cheeks. 

I do not have words to describe how proud I’m of my siblings. They are my Wakanda warriors with the spirit and fervor of Toussaint Louverture. 

…I wish heaven had visiting hours, so we all could stop by to listen to your unfunny repetitive dad jokes. I wish I could stop by to dance with you once more until my anxiety disappear. I wish heaven had visiting hours so we could ask God if you could come home on weekends, maybe the holidays, because they would never be the same without you. I wish we had one more birthday with you. I wish I had more time to build more memories with you. I wish you could be there to walk me down the aisle. I wish my children would have had the chance to meet their grandfather. 

We thank God for you, dad.

We thank you for all the sacrifices that you’ve made for us.

Thank you for paving the We will forever be grateful for having you as our father. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JSMe7XWGabc

SUGGESTED

They aren’t dead yet!

Enjoy this time with your parents. Yes, they are getting older, but getting older is normal. They haven’t become incapacitated yet. And, thank God they aren’t dead yet. If bridges need to be mended, mend them while you can. Aging is not going to suddenly fix your relationship with your parents. So, enjoy the fact that they are alive. Celebrate that you can watch your parents grow old, even as you may grieve witnessing the loss of some of their vitality.

PS: Weeping may endure for a night, but joy will come in the morning. God will come to your rescue. God’s grace is sufficient for every situation you are facing. The glory is not in what you’ve lost but in the memories you have cherished. Come to God in open and honest vulnerability, and God will