A Daughter’s Honest Take on Caring for Aging Parents?

Part 1.

Hey y’all, I know this is long overdue. Sorry for the long wait, but you will soon understand why it took me so long to publish this. 

This time it’s personal. This is a hard one. Nonetheless, I hope you can learn from my family’s experience. 

Thank you all for reading and sharing my last post. I appreciate you all.  If you have not read it yet, this is the link: http://cecemoise.com/do-adult-children-have-to-care-for-aging-parents-who-abandoned-them-as-children-and-or-were-absentee-parent-s/

Let’s begin…_

I assume that we all know an aging person, if not parents, who feel a loss of independence and struggle to keep some sense of control over a life that becomes narrower with time. Friends pass away, driving stops, and health declines. Isolation results in loneliness and depression. At the time of life when retirement should be golden, sometimes life turns out to be filled with grief and loss. All it takes is an accident or an illness to increase care needs in the blink of an eye.

This time, we are not going to talk about just anyone. We’re talking about my daddy. The resilient survivor. The generational curse breaker. The legacy builder. The giant and hero I called daddy. 

Before diving in, let’s get to know my dad a little. What can I say about my remarkable dad? He was a brave man. Dad didn’t back down from challenges. He was always willing to do what it took to get things done. Dad never cared about what others thought of him. He was unapologetic about who he was. He was known for his cringeworthy lines that we call “a long road to memory land.” He used to tell us the same stories repeatedly. They were not funny, but I bet he thought he was Richard Pryor. 

He was a hardworking man who ensured his family was taken care of and wouldn’t quit until the job was done. He was committed to his children. His efforts didn’t go unnoticed either. He understood his children admire his hard work, tenacity, and strength, and it is because of him and my mom that we thrive in our lives to become the best version of us. We are the perfect combo of dad and mom, and we wouldn’t want it any other way. 

I can’t say that I took my good looks from dad because I don’t necessarily resemble him, but he was a very handsome man. Debonaire, if I may say so myself. So, I guess the ladies had a reason to flock to him.

The ladies did flock to him, alright. I used to call Dad a THOT. Well…hmmm… I know I could have used words like a unfaithful, disloyal…to better describe his action, and that would have been cute and all, but what would have been the point of making something sounds more enticing or alluring when it wasn’t. My dad was a hoe. Plain and simple. Believe me, I’m not being disrespectful. Maybe I’m being too honest, but he was, and he would have told you himself. My mom loved him anyway because…well…she has her reasons. Nou pap antre nan pawol granmoun. 

_…he is my father, and I’m sticking by him. Period. 

My father didn’t have the pleasure of being raised by his parents because they died when he was a young boy. Dad journeyed to the U.S. by a small boat made of wood, knowing that he could have been killed at sea, and he risked it all just to ensure that his children had a better chance at life than he did. He took a small boat from Haiti to America, eventually jailed in Puerto Rico. Finally, he ended up in Los Angeles, where he put himself to school and learned Spanish and French. Couldn’t be prouder of him. He worked hard to ensure his children had a better life than he did. It was his dream, and he did just that. My dad was a blessed man. He had terrific children, and WE ARE blessed to have had him as a father.

Listen, no one is perfect and by no means do I think my father was a perfect man. My dad could be so unpleasant sometimes, but that didn’t stop his children from loving him. He didn’t have a parenting book, nor did he have parents to teach him the rope. We love dad to death with all his imperfections.

Now that you know my dad a little bit let’s go back to the subject.

Caregiving is not necessarily a job that you apply for. It is a job that happens in the blink of an eye. This job-on-the-job training can feel like being on a rollercoaster, and if you know me, you would know how much I genuinely dislike rollercoasters. I like my feet on the ground, but this job has many ups and downs. Listen, my parents understood the assignment. They invested in their children. Now it is our time to soothe away the bumps and bruises in their lives. As my siblings and I are currently trying to navigate this new role as caregivers for our parents, I was unprepared for it. As a mental health therapist, I’m trained to compartmentalize clients’ problems and not allow them to affect my personal life. But how do I compartmentalize my role as a daughter and a caregiver while navigating my day-to-day? 

I can recall the moment it registered with me that my mom specifically was aging. It was not because of her beautiful gray hair. It was the wrinkles on her neck. At 82 years, she looks and acts like she is 70 years old (her black doesn’t crack). 

In my dad’s case, this awareness came abruptly for my siblings and I. It occurred after he couldn’t find his way home after he left his home one day to run a few errands. I can’t even explain the overwhelming feelings of despair, grief, and anxiety we felt at that moment. Yes, he was found safe with the help of the police but hungry and dehydrated. I’m assuming he probably was scared and in pain from walking so much, but we wouldn’t have known because he is not one to express his feelings. He used to face everything unafraid, so it was not easy for him to express his feelings. So, despite the aches, he would say he was peachy. This new reality shocked me in my gut, but the fact is my parents are aging. They are not on their way to being old; they are old. 

Honestly, don’t be shocked or alarmed if you haven’t realized that your parents are aging. It’s human nature not to look carefully at the people you see regularly. 

What’s most frightening with this new awakening is the changing dynamics.

In the last article, I talked about the cycle of life. We can’t escape it. I’ve lost people close to me all the time. Over the past four years, my family went through hell and back. We have been bamboozled with death. We’ve lost more than 8 family members. After the loss of my nephew Jeff, barely 30 years, I understood how unpredictable life could be. After losing my cousin, Jovenel Moise (Haiti’s former President), I understood how we should always express our love to one another because we don’t know whether or not we will be able to love our loved ones in slow motion.  

But anyways, once you realize that your parents are aging, you will never be the same again. You have transitioned into adulthood now. I don’t know what stage you are in the cycle of life, but I would say for me, I’m an actual mature adult, not yet middle-aged. As I’m maturing, I also realize my role in the cycle of life. I thank God I’m not an only child journeying through this process alone because the good Lord knows I wouldn’t have been able to handle my parents’ care alone. It was also crucial for us to understand that dad had to deal with some heart-wrenching medical diagnoses.

Take a walk with me through dad’s alarming health decline. This journey was not a simple thing to capture in writing, so I hope that his journey can bring you some type of hope, strength, and courage and open your heart to the challenges that life will surround you with.

Before the week of April 16th, dad has been able to follow his routine perfectly. I mean, at 86 years young, he would usually wake up around 10-11AM. He would complete his ADLs (Activities of Daily Living), such as getting out of bed, brushing his teeth, and washing his face. Then, drank his tea and ate whatever the breakfast du jour was. He usually would eat a few times a day and snack as needed. He used to love walk around the house or go outside for fresh air. Usually, at around 10PM every night, he would take a shower before bed. 

Dad used to go out with us without any significant problem. Of course, there were times when he would release his bladder while out and about, but we were able to handle that. But, of course, an 86-year-old bladder is allowed to malfunction at times, right? Exactly.

In April, his health started to decline. Dad was not eating, and suddenly, he started sleeping all day. Honestly, although I was concerned, I just thought he was likely bored and maybe a bit depressed. I mean, dad had a lot to be depressed about. He lost his cousin and two siblings in less than a year. It’s disheartening to see your loved ones transitioning. 

One beautiful Monday morning turned into the beginning of our worst nightmare. Dad end-up having a dizzy spell that landed him in the E.R. Three days later, we were told that he had a mitral valve leak. Dr. Jackass, a cardiologist from the hospital, told us that we didn’t have any option to fix the leak because dad was too old to survive the surgery and wouldn’t be considered. Now, you probably wondering if his name was actually Dr. Jackass. Naw. I just didn’t care to remember his name because he was an unprofessional, god-wanna-be jackass with no bedside manners. 

Do I sound mad, angry perhaps? Yeah, I was pissed off. As a black woman, I know what it feels like when society tries so hard to suppress my voice, and I can’t allow that. As a doctor, I needed him to explain to me and my siblings what a mitral valve was, how it was affecting dad and what options we had to fix the danm problem. But he failed at his job. 

ADVOCATING FOR YOUR LOVED ONES

Listen, advocating for my dad had been an overwhelming task for the entire family. Many healthcare providers are insensitive to the experience of family members’ desires. One of my brothers is an M.D., so we were not intimidated by the doctors and their sometimes “unwanted” biased opinions of care and treatment for dad. We let them know that my brother is an MD, and although my brother hated the unwanted attention, but he dealt with it. Doctors tend to treat their equals differently than people who are not in the medical field, so we use that to our advantage. Caregivers lacking confidence and experience may fear standing up to the medical providers who are caring for their loved ones, but my family is built differently. We don’t back down from a challenge, not when it comes to our loved ones. 

We had to make sure that they knew we could call them out of their B.S. if needed. Often time, when medical providers don’t listen to family caregivers, their poor recommendations can result in worse results. As someone who had been caring and advocating for my dad alongside my siblings, I recommend that you use your knowledge about your loved ones to help you advocate when medical providers disagree. Ensure that you share information as needed and don’t allow anyone to intimidate you because of their experience or educational background. You are a warrior on the front lines caring for your elderly parent (s), don’t allow anyone to make you feel unimportant. 

Let’s move on. After almost a week at the hospital, dad was released. We had hoped that things would have gotten better. At this point, he was receiving home care services. He had a nurse and a Physical Therapist coming to the house weekly to work with him. 

Approximately three weeks after the first hospitalization, dad got hospitalized again. A different hospital this time. You know when they said, “when it rains, it pours”? Well, it was a hurricane. When we thought he would have been at the hospital for a day or two, he was there for well over two weeks. You must be wondering, Cece, what the hell happened this time? 

He was diagnosed with Endocarditis, Large Mitral Valve Insufficiency, Heart Failure-Diastolic, Anemia, and Encephalopathy. Take a minute to catch your breath because I needed several to wrap my head around all of it when the doctors told us. We still haven’t caught our breaths yet, to be honest. 

As his caretakers, we had some serious decisions that we had to make. When you are a caregiver, situations and care needs change overnight. I MEAN OVERNIGHT. Good news and bad news usually arrive on the same danm day. So, if you are wondering how caretakers become burned out and emotionally drained by caregiving, message me. 

When you are caring for a parent due to declining health, the role of caregiving becomes more stressful. When you have to perform hands-on care, such as dressing and bathing, your stress level will skyrocket. As we are stressing, remember that this is not easy for them either. Changes for older adults are also many. These relate to the loss of their abilities to complete tasks without aid. Assistance is needed to attend medical appointments, manage medications, complete daily care, communicate with healthcare and service providers, and manage financial and legal matters. 

Let me tell you guys how grateful I’m to have the siblings that I have. Even though I have my amazing warriors surrounding me, I sometimes wanted to pull out my hair and run away for a few hours. There were times when I was anxious because I didn’t know how long I would have to spend with him. I felt angry that he was going through so much, and there was nothing I could do to ease his pain. It was frustrating because it did not matter how much pain dad was, he didn’t know how to express how he felt. Any of his children would have switched places with him without hesitation. We didn’t want to see him in pain. We hated seeing him in pain.

At the hospital, my siblings and I met with specialist after specialist, and they laid out all of our options on how to treat each issue dad faced. Although, for the most part, the doctors were great, accepting the prognosis was just hard for us to accept. 

I’m 11 of 12 siblings, so I know how fortunate I was that I didn’t have to make decisions alone. Regardless of how many of us, some decisions are irreversible. We were experiencing caregiver overwhelm, which is the feeling of being unsure if your choices are correct when you are emotionally distressed. To avoid some of the pressure, we conducted family meetings to make the best medical decision for dad.

We were responding to unexpected situations. As a result, we didn’t want to make decisions in haste and regret them later. My siblings and I didn’t have the luxury of time when it came to making life-changing decisions on dad’s behalf. Still, we knew and understood the negative outcome of many decisions made in haste. So, we took our time to make the best decisions for dad even when the doctors pressured us. The hospitalist talked to us about hospice because he felt that dad health was declining so fast, and we needed help as a family to manage his care. 

We knew that we would never allow dad to live outside our care, but we were willing to get outside help to come to the house. My siblings and I met and devised a schedule to ensure he was never alone. Someone would always be home with him to minister his meds and to ensure he was well cared for. To be honest, he was showing so much progress. Although he still didn’t want to eat, he walked up and down the house without help. Feeding him was a struggle though. He sometimes would yelled at us while feeding him because he didn’t want the food. He was so grouchy most of the time. Honestly, it didn’t matter to us what mood he was in; we were always in the mood to take the most excellent care of him. 

Two weeks after my dad was released from the 2nd hospitalization, he was again hospitalized. In fact, I started writing this article while sitting next to his hospital bed. 

_This brings something else to mind that I want you to be aware of. Dynamics will change to a certain degree as you embark on this new role, but YOUR PARENTS ARE STILL YOUR PARENTS. As you embark on this new adventure with them, do it GENTLY and with RESPECT. _

There were days when I felt like I was walking on pins and needles whenever I would check on dad in his room. My parents are aging, and I found myself facing my worst nightmare. Honestly, I know you probably think that having elderly parents is a blessing. Well, it is. I love my parents and don’t want to live without them. However, having aging parents comes with the reality that forces you to face the fact that they will not always be there with you. Love them in slow motion while you can.

Part II downloading…